I am amused at how long it takes me.. according to my mood to choose my font color nowadays!

It is right we we earn as we age, to to be able to laugh at ourselves..it's fun.

I have been doing what I guess is a bit of light-working .. 

 One of the wonderful "side effects" when I am in this state for lack of a better term, things..entire thoughts, books even..characters..the kind with depth that become rapidly evolving beings in my author's mind and now I have a screen play dancing through my veins to enchant you with hopefully. It haunts me in the best of ways to be written. To say I am exhilarated is a major understatement...I never expected this, any of it. It delights me and makes my hair stand on end!

I do not nor have I ever believed in coincidence..my soul has just emerged from a self imposed death leading me to believe what I have come to realize with every fiber of my internal cloth..my painful excavation has freed the hard rock that had taken up residency in heart. It has dissolved as it made it's way from deep inside during therapy, yes therapy works. It is NOT for the faint of heart and you must commit to it 100% but it free's the unwanted evils that sometimes manifest in our pschye. I feel love and compassion and even great pride that I have not only survived but am blooming in a vibrant color that I have never before been privy to.

 Being a wide open channel is something I am deeply grateful for and receive as a divine gift. This is not something I take lightly..I am humbled by it. It is a divine and clear place I wish I could bring you to.

I shall return. In the meantime I wish you your deepest desires..it's all waiting for you if you are not living it now, you will.

In Love and Light,

Sharon

I do not edit other than spellcheck..it is my way of staying in the truth. Please let me know if you want to have a conversation, I welcome it always.

Samuel..

Today I exist along side my husband in our own dimension, I have days like this. Of course I know in the "real" world he is not physically here, I am not insane.
Yet, I will tell you he is with me..I feel him. He watched over a little boy as he went through heart surgery today, a little boy that had things gone differently may not be with us today. My husbands role in the after life is again seemingly one of service, Divine as it ever was and more so. I do not mean to imply that Bobby is the reason Samuel is recovering even for a second. What I am saying is I am happy he was watching over him.

Since my brush with death in 06, I often know more than I care to sometimes and yet with my husband as my eternal partner..it is a less lonely path. Long before I knew this child was having surgery or even that he had a medical issue I knew of this day, today..surgery day.

God bless his parents for opting with the "big city hospital". I rejoice inside for this beautiful family.

In regards to Bobby, getting past the lack of physical presence is something I struggle with wildly at times...I am a hardheaded Irish girl as my husband used to call me.
I have had moments lately where the anguish swallows me whole..I seemingly stop existing.

All I know to do is pray and to focus on my child, she is what takes precedence over all else. Some weeks I get some things done, last week I accomplished a few things, important things. This week will be a challenge, I will call on the Lord and all my angels for the strength to do what I need to do to make Christmas a joyous occasion for all that are present.  Four of my children can not be home, it is hard to feel joy without the bittersweet aftertaste being apart during Christmas.
Learning to appreciate those moments that light our souls is everything, it's the best there is.

My heart sings for Samuel.

We all bleed together

What a dark day in America it is...any semblance of "safety" became an illusion yet again..

The Country has been violated in the worst way, through our children. We are left angry and sad and beyond frustrated at the harsh and rabid insanity of it all. Our sense of security shattered.

This was in fact an act of terror...this person was pure evil, surely only evil would commit such a heinous act. I cry for "HUMANITY" this evening and my soul bleeds once again..
May God bless us all..

Of Leaky eyes

Yes, my eyes have been leaking more than usual..I am actually crying. Instead of retreating as usual to the safer landscapes of cleaning incessantly or washing every last piece of even questionable laundry.. I am allowing the rain to come, the storm to rage.. 
I am astonished that my howl so resembles that of a desperate cry from a wolf in the badlands. I frightened myself initially with this foreign wail...

 How I relate to you sad yet mighty beast..how my heart feels your pain

Right now the form taken by my grief is beyond my control...this primal place where I had stashed the unimaginable reality of my husbands death is breaking wide open and screaming for release, I am powerless to hold it back.

My Lord has promised not to forsake me, my Faith is in him.

Still, heavy Air and other such fuckery..

Here by the ocean when there is no surf to speak of it is an eerie place indeed.  Today as I look out from my writing perch safe in my place of hiding, I wonder WHAT it is about my broken mind that insists on washing everything so damn heavily in melancholy.

I  started "grief therapy" yesterday and that same sad part of me wonders if I will lose all traces of my beloved husband as I submit to this grueling process of excavation. The thought makes me feel sick way down deep in the pit of my stomach.  Every one of my senses  in a state of alarm, they are all clinging and savagly screaming.."I won't let you take him from me."
Having had the realization that living half in this world and half in one where I have yet to be invited is not true living forces me to move forward..towards TRUTH. If nothing else I am always in pursuit of my truths, truth and love are the things that have always spoken to my soul, the things that so often kept me alive. I have never had qualms as a writer about sharing the deepest and the darkest in the hopes that it has all happened for a reason. I have always had the desire to share, to throw a voice out into the wilderness...a voice that says..."I am here, it's okay..we can survive the utmost pain" I offer myself up as proof.  

 Coming up on two years since Bobby's death I am starting to accept he isn't coming back to get me. 

It is a beginning..

Footnote: sorry for the occasional pottymouth ; (

From our northwest facing porch on our island..there was a serious storm blowing in and we were energized by it...

The former U.S Coast Guard Station is seen through our weather charm.  I smell and feel this picture, it is glorious..

How I miss the sound of the screen door as it bangs shut...

March 12th, 2010..

Being loved by someone deeply gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Lao Tzu~